Its 8:44 am and the house is up and at it. I’m in my office, working. The kids playing while The Minions play in the background. The heat already feels like it’s peaked and I am still avoiding this lawn of mine..that is starting to look like a flowery field.
Its hot and the kids seem to want to go out and play the same times that I’m finally willing to go and mow. Who could blame them. Then there’s the fact that I’m exhausted by the evening from my full days with these kids. Then the self doubt and bad talk starts to creep in..over grass. Pathetic says my aware self. Pathetic the things they have our minds toil over, mowing the lawn. I actually feel it looks prettier with flowers. And as for bugs, well, those little buggers aren’t going away. They’re a valuable part of the food chain. 😉
The ego starts with its chatter. If I had a partner they would mow the lawn. Or they would watch the kids while I do it. Or we could take turns! Perhaps a second income we could hire someone, its a big property. The rabbit hole goes deeper, and more ridiculous. Maybe if I didn’t smoke as much I’d have more energy, maybe I need to drink more coffee. Just tell the kids too bad, no beach in the evening, I have to do the lawn. Deeper and deeper. Don’t be lazy, just do it. Deeper. Spiritually speaking, procrastination means you weren’t supposed to do it yet? Don’t be down on yourself, its all as it should be. So much chatter. Just get up and do it. Suck it up, you’ll sweat, you have a shower. Drink lots of water. And this is just the lawn!!
This chatter used to happen more and more frequently in my head. An endless amount of chatter that was neither helpful or encouraging. So as I continue to drink this amazing coffee I made, I decide to spark up and remind myself how far I’ve come. Not just in my accomplishments in the 3rd dimension, but in my awareness in the 4th and 5th.
I start with forgiving myself. So the lawn has been neglected. So my sink has some dirty dishes and there’s toys scattered on the floor. My bills are paid, groceries stocked, clean clothes in the closets. These kids are happy, kind and aware. Unless I bring attention to it, they don’t notice the grass needs cutting or that the kitchen has dirty dishes. They know there’s snacks for them to eat and I know they’re healthy options and lots of them.
I remind myself that in an hour these kids are out the door with me to a beach and lots of fun, then later a farmer’s market and a library. They will eat well and play lots. They will learn and discover new things. They will see their friends and play in the parks. In the evening we can bike ride or roller blade or even skate board around. These are the memories they will have. A fun mom that played with them. A mom that didn’t spend her day saying No don’t do this or No I cant do that.
I remind myself that I am strong and productive. There’s nothing lazy about me and that that word doesn’t even belong in my head, it was put there by my mother. Perhaps she heard it as a kid a lot and projected it on me endlessly. Either way, my aware consciousness reminds my 3D ego that I get more done in a day with these kids then I give myself credit for. Self care is vital and to sit here and have a coffee and a smoke and regroup is essential in my day. Essential to my mental and physical health as well as essential to raising my kids. We all have so much pressure and are multitasking all day that to take time to be ‘lazy’ should not be looked at as a bad thing. We have been conditioned that if we aren’t physically moving or doing then we are rendered useless. Meanwhile some of history’s most brilliant minds spend much of their time sitting, thinking, letting their imagination run while their body rested. Often there’s so much going on in the back end that our physical body is doing us a service by simply resting.
My house is not here to impress anyone, and my yard is for my kids and I to use as we see fit. They aren’t upset I still haven’t mowed the lawn, so why should I be? I’m going to go into my semi messy kitchen and pack these kids a bunch of yummy whole food treats to eat at the beach! Pack their toys and another smoke for me..hey, its therapeutic 😉 They’re going to play and hang with their mom that will treasure her NOW time with these young humans. So Blessed! And if there’s time after our fun and full day, Ill mow that lawn. If not?..Tomorrow is another blessed, magickal day ❤
La la-la laaaaa!