Searching for pieces of me.

I want to email my dad but the thought alone is giving me major anxiety. I don’t even really want to talk to him. Tell him what? I miss the version of you I had build up in my head? What? Tell him that I’m doing great!? Got full custody of both my kids and raising these two alone without a single help from any blood family? The term family doesn’t mean to me what it means to them, and besides, who even knows if he cares to know how I’m doing. If he did, wouldn’t he ask? I don’t know. I guess I don’t. Ask how he’s doing, I mean.

The driving force behind these thoughts are actually pictures. Yup. I just want to see some childhood pictures of me. I’m working diligently on self healing and really the root of it all is my childhood. So many repressed memories and emotions. Pictures are a great memory trigger and bad or good, I need to dislodge a lot of trapped events and feelings. To let go, to release, one needs to know what they are releasing. Anger or resentment come from deeper rooted issues and emotions. At what point did a trauma affect me enough for me to shut down?  At what moment did my brain and ego come to my rescue? At what point did I shut those doors? Why did I do it?

I can’t send my dad a direct email. Mainly because it’s counterproductive to healing. I have zero expectations other than an activation of thoughts toiling in his mind. Toiling that I will tap into no doubt, but I need to stay in a place of love. No need for explanations or justifications regarding what and why from my end. Or his really. We already established that we are on different frequencies and to try to communication proves useless. But perhaps to send this entire blog to him could be therapeutic for me and do what it needs to do..ask my dad to please send me pictures. They can mail it to me or scan and email. Technology is great.  I feel like my mother is super protective over the pictures. Or perhaps it’s just my own perspective and interpretation. Who knows. This request could start a mini war over there or perhaps he may be happy that I’ve reached out….for pictures.

Who knows, it may even get dismissed.

I release any expectations and welcome unexpected miracles.

All I can do is authentically put it out there.

Do I miss my parents? No, I don’t miss the misery I feel at every interaction with them. That doesn’t mean I don’t have fond memories. I have learned many lessons from the people that raised me. There’s a lot of things as a parent I do because I remember my parents and the experiences they provided. There is even more though that I do not do from having witnessed them. Both equally valuable. My upbringing was exactly what it needed to be for me to be living the life I am living today. A life I am grateful for.

They say that parents want their kids to grow up living a better life. I now realize that my kids will grow from all I did as well as in spite of things I did while raising them. I’m raising my kids to know that they have a vulnerable mother. A growing individual who is constantly expanding her awareness. I offer them my wisdom from my challenges, successes and failures. I encourage them to make mistakes and say sorry. To accept others for who they are and to accept apologies they may never receive. Most of all, I’m teaching them the two main lessons I feel I missed out on as a kid. Self Love and Boundaries. I tell them that emotions are as valid as alternative point of views and that living in the now generates the most joy. ..I know that as I keep diving into my scars, I will release any blocked emotions and continue my transition into my light body.

I forgive myself for the anxiety I feel. Its gloriously helping me continue to pinpoint areas I need to keep working on.

I love you dad. I miss your singing and the way you smell. I often listen to your psychedelic Sunday music and giggle at how much Orion enjoys it. He is so much like me that its helping me see how you and mom may have viewed me. I’m sure I was a challenge for you both. Most bright stars are. Sophia has some fond memories of her Papou and that’s enough for me. There are many memories that are starting to creep back into my conscious mind and I forgive you for those that I need to heal from.

I forgive myself for not living up to your expectations as I am content with living up to my own. I release the expectations I had placed on you and forgive all the ways you never could measure up to them.

I want to thank you for so many things too. For my drive to take these kids across the country in a camper. For the music I instill in them, from all sorts of genres. For the long talks I’m comfortable giving them. I thank you for my amazing singing voice, the one I keep for just me and the kids and a close few, just like you. I thank you for my work ethic and my thirst for reading. I thank you for my tanned skin and my curly hair. I thank you for critical thinking and not letting the man brainwash me. I want to thank you for the hard lessons the lack of courage you have shown me. I want to thank you for the bold steps you’ve taken and the ones you haven’t. I want to thank you for your joy with kids and the lack of joy I see in you. I want to thank you for the pictures I hope to see again someday. At a time when many didn’t have any photos, we had tons of them! I want to thank you for your parents who have been with me over the last several years. I want to thank you for the false hopes that helped me at dire moments. For the truths you told me that will never leave my side. Thank you and I always send love and hope you are well in your health and in your conscience.  I hope you are eating healthy and sleeping well. I hope you are surrounded by love and truth as often as possible.

I feel lighter than earlier this morning. Another layer peeled. This onion is very large, many layers. Cartoons are playing in the next room. I have many fond memories of watching weekend cartoons with my dad. I’m grateful for then, for now and for my future.

~paris.

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