Sparking up another joint.
Weed is so accessible, I end up smoking too much. Or maybe not enough?..
Settling into this house, It sometimes still feels surreal – I live in Mexico!
and it’s not about some accomplishment, it is about gratitude in the presence.
“I live with my two kids, safe, in luxury, in our own home, in Mexico!”
I got my Duran Duran B-sides playing, my stuff sprawled out all over the kitchen table. Orion, next to me, on the floor. Drying off and watching some you tube video on colour changing cars. I am still wearing my swimsuit, it is keeping me cool.
It’s almost November and its over 30 degrees! I did it! I escaped winter!
This time last year, I remember this feeling that was brewing inside of me. Like I was about to shift gears while riding an invisible race track. I couldn’t see why I was about to shift gears, but I felt the urgency, the need for it. I was done idling, I was about to level up. Within months it all made so much more sense; Travel! Yet now that I am here, riding that gear I shifted to, I feel my rpm’s idling again. Time to bunker down and get into a groove again. Even if just for a little while. There is so much going on collectively, I need to anchor and transmute.
I need to express and introspect. I need to merge and isolate. I need to reflect and explore.
I have been living as a single mom nomad for over 6 months and I have been in Mexico now for over two months. There are so many thoughts in my head, I think I am avoiding writing as to not overwhelm or confuse myself. I have to start somewhere thought, it is starting to get backed up – all this energy. All these thoughts, these emotions, these observations and revelations.
All that bubbles out of me at the moment is gratitude and awe. I did it. I went through a complete rebirth, an awakening, an igniting of a spark that was almost burnt out. I put myself through hurts, lessons and experiences that shook me aware. I led me back to myself and back to my faith in this sacred contract to be here, to experience these timelines, to assist in this ascension.
I am not the character I was clinging onto 10 years ago. I’ve let go of so much that I have even let go of any expectations from myself. When I get caught up on a fear of not meeting up to some expectation of myself, I will continue to remind myself to come back to the present moment, back to gratitude. No expectation can reside there as I am too busy being grateful for what is:
a brave dreamer
a compassionate seer
a determined free spirit
an optimistic mystic
a resident of the new earth’
a soul with an open channel and open heart.
These two souls beside me get to Be everyday too. They get to figure out who they are while I get to know them too.
We are not all here by accident. Every step I’ve taken so far is part of their contract too. Their purpose. Their lessons and skill building.
This reality is part their manifestation, part my own. I remind myself often to pull me up from the stream of mindless thoughts accumulated from my surrounding and be the observer again. Choose if these thoughts will bring me to a timeline I like or is there another timeline I could put my attention toward? I choose the latter. I choose not to focus on what I don’t want and place my attention of what I do. What I want can be tricky to see clearly now, so I go back to gratitude. What about my present am I grateful for? Lets at least pay attention to That! Lets at least invite more of That!!
Look around you? what are you grateful for?
It can be the coffee in your cup, the way your hair is cooperating today. The way you have two minutes to read this right now. The home you live in? Your kids, your friends, your partner, your barista! It can be the weather, a memory, your shoes, the trees, the food you just ate. Anything, anything at all. Your curiosity, your determination, your persistence, your creativity, anything..anything at all.
I am grateful for this Mexican weather, for the sun shinning almost all day every day. I am grateful for the quiet street where I keep my front and back door open, just listening to music and my 3 year old playing. I am grateful for the neighborhood cat that likes to lounge by our front door and for the little dog in the house behind us who sounds like lulu – who I miss more since moving here.
I am grateful for my own kitchen, where my mess or my cleanliness is mine to own. Where I can make my snacks and if I eat them all, I just make more. For the automatic water dispenser where the kids help themselves thinking it’s a fun game. I’m grateful for all the times that Sophia has expressed how much she likes it here. Having her own room, her own space, her own A/C, the pool and privacy. I’m grateful she thanks me and expresses her opinions. I love our conversations, she has always been my favorite person to talk with. Brilliant and observant. Simple and direct. She has always been able to hold her own among adults, often flooring them with her wisdom and articulation.
I am grateful for this boy, who prefers to be considered an equal and not a younger house member. I am grateful for his persistence and his maturity. His problem solving skills and his compassion. I am freed and triggered by his open zest for life. I am pushed past comfort zones as he helps me face fears and push past them. I am grateful to look into his magickal eyes and see myself.
I am grateful for my now. I am grateful for all the limiting beliefs I push through and how many traumas I am healing. I am grateful for the liberation I have manifested in my life and I am grateful for all the bold steps I have taken. I am grateful for this blender, this fresh watermelon and this chia pudding I have made. I am grateful for the swim I had with Orion earlier, and for the nap we will take later. I am grateful for my daughter who is cozy, lounging in her room, for her ability to get up and join the world at her pace, when ever she is ready. I am grateful for my solitude, for my healthy space. For the music that is playing, and the writing that is occurring. I am exactly where I am meant to be at this very moment. Taking each day as it comes. Shopping in the local market, lounging in the living room, playing in the pool. Taking walks at night, reflecting on these times of such massive change, observing the role I play from a very objective point of view.
I am raising two beings while existing on a whole new type of timeline. One not dependent on expectations, criticism or fear. A reality of leisure and learning. A reality of existing and experiencing. I am being guided by these two souls to no longer tolerate limitations, bullying and intimidation. They are helping me question habits and dig deep into the why’s of everything. They are supporting me as I fail and learn again and again by practicing new skills of presence, mindfulness and self love.
We are not here by accident, and we are not braver or more adventurous. We are simply being and this is where we are at this very moment. Each moment it’s own. From one to the next.
La la la-la laaaaaa!